help for my dear friend!

[flowergarden]

Asalaam Wa Alaikum,
Peace and blessing to you all!

Well, this is not about me it is about my Muslim sister, she is my best friend. Recently in April she knew of a guy threw her sister. They never properly got a chance to talk nor are they in touch with each other anymore. Her sister knows him, knows he is a good muslim, and a kind man. Now the delima starts, which is making me very stressed because I don't know how to help her.

So she wants to at least have the chance to see if this man would be interested in her, for a hopeful engagement. Her sister doesn't have much contact with him besides the Muslim Association emails from school (as my friend only knows him because her sister goes to school with the young man). Her sister talked with me recently that she doesn't want to talk to the man as she doesn't want him to think she likes him, nor does she want the man to think her sister is a easy catch (as in she wants him to find her). Anyways, so she (the sister) called the man's father whom is a doctor, she thought she would try to shadow him to get to know the family, and than go from there... the father said he cannot accept any more interns HOWEVER she (sister) must go to his office and meet her to get to know her.

So that was the plan and we all thought it would go from there.. But the sister later figured there wouldn't be any point and since than my friend has told me she thinks about it a lot, and once she saw him she felt this connection towards him- she explained it was not based on looks but more, and is interested in him and is keeping it Halal...

I do want to say, the man when he was together in school with her sister, the sister says whenever she would see him, she would also feel like there was a connection as if he was family (future) and as she says he would always give her a peaceful look.. i don't know how to explain it like her... but she explains she never saw her sister or any one (the one interesed in the man) ever look at anyone like that.. in a cute way


She did the Istikharah prayer a few days ago and the same night she had a dream.. I don't know if I should explain it? But it was a happy dream. One that she is hoping to come true!

Can Anyone give us advice? What do we do? How do we go about this? helping her with a man she is interested in? I really don't know what to tell her nor her sister? I don't want to tell her to go a way, and it be bad. I wish to gain help from you all.

Please help! Jazak Allah Khair for reading!
Allah bless you, and always give you the best!

[flowergarden]

:hmm: I think everyone is as confused and doesn't know what to do as I am!

[Hamza Asadullah]

Asalaam Wa Alaikum,
Peace and blessing to you all!

Well, this is not about me it is about my Muslim sister, she is my best friend. Recently in April she knew of a guy threw her sister. They never properly got a chance to talk nor are they in touch with each other anymore. Her sister knows him, knows he is a good muslim, and a kind man. Now the delima starts, which is making me very stressed because I don't know how to help her.

So she wants to at least have the chance to see if this man would be interested in her, for a hopeful engagement. Her sister doesn't have much contact with him besides the Muslim Association emails from school (as my friend only knows him because her sister goes to school with the young man). Her sister talked with me recently that she doesn't want to talk to the man as she doesn't want him to think she likes him, nor does she want the man to think her sister is a easy catch (as in she wants him to find her). Anyways, so she (the sister) called the man's father whom is a doctor, she thought she would try to shadow him to get to know the family, and than go from there... the father said he cannot accept any more interns HOWEVER she (sister) must go to his office and meet her to get to know her.

So that was the plan and we all thought it would go from there.. But the sister later figured there wouldn't be any point and since than my friend has told me she thinks about it a lot, and once she saw him she felt this connection towards him- she explained it was not based on looks but more, and is interested in him and is keeping it Halal...

I do want to say, the man when he was together in school with her sister, the sister says whenever she would see him, she would also feel like there was a connection as if he was family (future) and as she says he would always give her a peaceful look.. i don't know how to explain it like her... but she explains she never saw her sister or any one (the one interesed in the man) ever look at anyone like that.. in a cute way


She did the Istikharah prayer a few days ago and the same night she had a dream.. I don't know if I should explain it? But it was a happy dream. One that she is hoping to come true!

Can Anyone give us advice? What do we do? How do we go about this? helping her with a man she is interested in? I really don't know what to tell her nor her sister? I don't want to tell her to go a way, and it be bad. I wish to gain help from you all.

Please help! Jazak Allah Khair for reading!
Allah bless you, and always give you the best!

Asalaamu Alaikum, jazakallahu khayran sister for sharing. It did take a couple of reads for me to fully understand the scenario you have but i think i understand now.

Firstly if a sister is interested in any man then she should not hesitate in enquiring about him as you cannot always expect the other person to know that someone is interested in them and you cannot always expect them to make a move. So she should not have any priide in this situation and she should inform her mahram and get her mahram preferrably her brother if she has one to approach the brother.

So you should tell this sister to get her mahram to make contact with this guy so he can get to know him and mediate things between the both of you as in both of you can talk to each other by e mail with him CC'd in the conversation, or on the phone with him present on the other line or even have meetings with her mahram present there with them. This is the best way to go about this matter.

She should not expect someone to know that she likes him for marriage purposes or expect him to approach her but if she feels that he may be a possible marriage potential then she should get her mahram to make contact with him. This is the best way she can approach this.

After that Allah knows best what will happen but whatever happens she should go about this matter in the right manner and that is to get her mahram to approach him not anyone else.

May Allah do what is best for her. Ameen

[flowergarden]

Salaam Wa Alaikum Brother Hamza,

So one question that I am scared of, I don't want my friend to be heart broken (which I doubt she will b/c she is for now interested), but he doesn't know of her yet, just her sister. So how do we contact him? What do we say to him? Because I feel it will be awkward for him!?! I just don't want to be pushy to the young man.

Also, do you think we should talk to the young man's father? or directly to him? As we have an opportunity to meet the father of the man?

I am new to this as well as my friend so we have know idea what to do! Especially what to say to him, and we don't know if it is good timing, since he is in hospital rotations for medical school?

JazakAllah Khair for your help, this has really stressed me as I feel bad I didn't know what to do... but your helping me! :statisfie

Asalaamu Alaikum, jazakallahu khayran sister for sharing. It did take a couple of reads for me to fully understand the scenario you have but i think i understand now.

Firstly if a sister is interested in any man then she should not hesitate in enquiring about him as you cannot always expect the other person to know that someone is interested in them and you cannot always expect them to make a move. So she should not have any priide in this situation and she should inform her mahram and get her mahram preferrably her brother if she has one to approach the brother.

So you should tell this sister to get her mahram to make contact with this guy so he can get to know him and mediate things between the both of you as in both of you can talk to each other by e mail with him CC'd in the conversation, or on the phone with him present on the other line or even have meetings with her mahram present there with them. This is the best way to go about this matter.

She should not expect someone to know that she likes him for marriage purposes or expect him to approach her but if she feels that he may be a possible marriage potential then she should get her mahram to make contact with him. This is the best way she can approach this.

After that Allah knows best what will happen but whatever happens she should go about this matter in the right manner and that is to get her mahram to approach him not anyone else.

May Allah do what is best for her. Ameen

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[Hamza Asadullah]

Salaam Wa Alaikum Brother Hamza,

So one question that I am scared of, I don't want my friend to be heart broken (which I doubt she will b/c she is for now interested), but he doesn't know of her yet, just her sister. So how do we contact him? What do we say to him? Because I feel it will be awkward for him!?! I just don't want to be pushy to the young man.

Also, do you think we should talk to the young man's father? or directly to him? As we have an opportunity to meet the father of the man?

I am new to this as well as my friend so we have know idea what to do! Especially what to say to him, and we don't know if it is good timing, since he is in hospital rotations for medical school?

JazakAllah Khair for your help, this has really stressed me as I feel bad I didn't know what to do... but your helping me! :statisfie

Sister people usually get hurt when they get into relationships before marriage. A relationship is not a guarantee for marriage. The couple end up falling for each other once they begin to get to know each other and then feelings start developing and gets deeper and the couple build their own little world together which are just dreams not reality then when things go wrong then their bubble bursts and their world comes crashing down and then there is only pain and anguish.

So In order to prevent this from happening and protect the couple from ever getting hurt Islam has the best answer and that is to only ever have a relationship with your marriage partner. In order to prevent a relationship and haraam feelings occuring then Islam emphasises the need for the girls mahrams to be involved from the start. This will prevent shaythan gaining access to the interactions. As soon as the interaction becomes only the guy and girl without the mahram then shaythan has full access to the interactions and that is when things will go wrong.

So as i have mentioned in my last post the sister must get her mahram either her brother, uncle or any of her mahrams to contact the father or that brother and then take things from there. If the sister feels more comfortable with the father being approached first then get her mahram to approach the father first. This will ensure things will happen in the right manner and if things do go wrong then no on will be hurt as there was never an opportunity for any feelings to develop.

[flowergarden]

Jazak Allah Khair Brother.
I will for sure make sure this is done the Halal way and have her mahram know about this as soon as possible, So no haraam happens.

The planning starts on how we approach this, and how we ask the brother?!? It is difficult situation for us, and taking baby step to make sure it is done right.

Allah bless you brother for you kind help.

[Hamza Asadullah]

Jazak Allah Khair Brother.
I will for sure make sure this is done the Halal way and have her mahram know about this as soon as possible, So no haraam happens.

The planning starts on how we approach this, and how we ask the brother?!? It is difficult situation for us, and taking baby step to make sure it is done right.

Allah bless you brother for you kind help.

Her mahram will know how to approach this. It does not need such extensive planning for it is straight forward. The mahram will simply approach the brother or father and enquire about marriage and from there the brother and that sister can ask each other questions and get to know each other with the mahram present in E mail, phone and meeting together. Many people do it this way so there is no need for the sister to feel awkward about this. Think about it this way if they never try then they will regret not trying. So it is best to give it a try and whatever happens after that is what was destined to happen.

[ardianto]

:sl:

There are two things that you must understand.

- Men are different than women. They have different mindset, different nature, etc. We cannot treat man like we treat woman. A man can tell marriage proposal to the woman's wali, but don't ever a woman tell marriage proposal to the man's parent, because man doesn't have wali, and marriage proposal from woman to man's parent can ofend the man.

- Commonly, men are in position that propose marriage and women are in position that accept marriage proposal. Even in many culture marriage proposal from woman to a man is considered as inappropriate and woman who propose marriage will be marked as "aggressive woman", this is not a good image for a woman.

But I understand if a woman has a feeling to a man. This is not wrong as long as in good intention to build a marriage, not only pre-marital relationship. However, woman cannot propose a marriage, but she must try to make that man propose marriage to her.

My advice :

- Need someone who has relationship with that brother as 'messenger' to tell the sister feeling to the brother. This messenger may that brother mahram (male or female) or his male friend. I do not recomend his female friend.

- For the messenger. Don't ever tell marriage proposal blatanly like "A woman want to marry you". Like I said, the brother will regard the sister as "aggressive woman". So, the messenger must tell it in 'camouflaged way' like "Have you ever thingking about marriage ?. I know a sister who can be a good wife, and she is looking for a husband" or "Do you know a sister who live at ...... ?, she is good girl and she is looking for a husaband". Remember, don't tell marriage propopsal but inform the brother that the sister looking for a husband. Need 'slow but sure' strategy, you cannot expect the brother give response soon. Maybe the mesenger need to repeat the 'message' many times.

- Notice the brother reaction. If he start to asks about that sister, it's good. Your "team" can go to the next step, 'connect' the brother with the sister, of course, according to Islamic manner. However, if the brother always look cold and doesn't give any response, it's means he doesn't have interest to the sister. Tell that sister, don't be sad.

[flowergarden]

There are two things that you must understand.

- Men are different than women. They have different mindset, different nature, etc. We cannot treat man like we treat woman. A man can tell marriage proposal to the woman's wali, but don't ever a woman tell marriage proposal to the man's parent, because man doesn't have wali, and marriage proposal from woman to man's parent can ofend the man.

- Commonly, men are in position that propose marriage and women are in position that accept marriage proposal. Even in many culture marriage proposal from woman to a man is considered as inappropriate and woman who propose marriage will be marked as "aggressive woman", this is not a good image for a woman.

But I understand if a woman has a feeling to a man. This is not wrong as long as in good intention to build a marriage, not only pre-marital relationship. However, woman cannot propose a marriage, but she must try to make that man propose marriage to her.

My advice :

- Need someone who has relationship with that brother as 'messenger' to tell the sister feeling to the brother. This messenger may that brother mahram (male or female) or his male friend. I do not recomend his female friend.

- For the messenger. Don't ever tell marriage proposal blatanly like "A woman want to marry you". Like I said, the brother will regard the sister as "aggressive woman". So, the messenger must tell it in 'camouflaged way' like "Have you ever thingking about marriage ?. I know a sister who can be a good wife, and she is looking for a husband" or "Do you know a sister who live at ...... ?, she is good girl and she is looking for a husaband". Remember, don't tell marriage propopsal but inform the brother that the sister looking for a husband. Need 'slow but sure' strategy, you cannot expect the brother give response soon. Maybe the mesenger need to repeat the 'message' many times.

- Notice the brother reaction. If he start to asks about that sister, it's good. Your "team" can go to the next step, 'connect' the brother with the sister, of course, according to Islamic manner. However, if the brother always look cold and doesn't give any response, it's means he doesn't have interest to the sister. Tell that sister, don't be sad.

Salaam Wa Alaikum,

You're advice is helpful... And I did show it to my friend... but we are still nervous because how do we approach him? My friend's sister doesn't go to school with him anymore. The only connection she has with him is the once in a while e-mails she gets from him about Muslim Association. The sister is also nervous, because she thinks timing is wrong, and doesn't want the brother to believe she likes him.... which I think is not helping the situation.

So we called his father who is a scientist researcher and asked if we can interview him in regards to know about his field, he said that for the year he has a lot of students so we can go to his sister, but also mentioned that we should visit him so we can get to know him (the father) so we thought about visiting the father and just getting to know the family little by little.
we thought this would be a good idea because the brother's Aunt knew my friends family back home because her grandfather was a famous actor.... SO, we thought we'd go with meeting the dad, but than fell in a stop, by thinking what's next after meeting the father?????

I just don't know what to do anymore, my friend likes him a lot considering he is a good man, but I feel hopeless in helping and feel sooooo bad for her! :(
And even her mahram doesn't know what to do!?!?! :hmm:

So can you help a bit more.

Jazak Allah Khair.

[Salahudeen]

Sister bro hamza told you, tell the girls wali to approach the boy or his father and enquire about marriage. Then you can put this to rest and stop worrying about it because it will drive you nuts otherwise wondering about what might have been. All her wali has to do is ask if the boy is looking for marriage because he knows someone who is also looking and thinks they'd be a good match etc. He doesn't have to reveal her identity straight away, he can just find out if the brother is looking to settle down first and if he is then he can mention the girl who is looking also and mention how he thinks they'd be a good match for each other.

[flowergarden]

Sister bro hamza told you, tell the girls wali to approach the boy or his father and enquire about marriage. Then you can put this to rest and stop worrying about it because it will drive you nuts otherwise wondering about what might have been. All her wali has to do is ask if the boy is looking for marriage because he knows someone who is also looking and thinks they'd be a good match etc. He doesn't have to reveal her identity straight away, he can just find out if the brother is looking to settle down first and if he is then he can mention the girl who is looking also and mention how he thinks they'd be a good match for each other.

Salaam brother, I have no doubt that you and brother Hamza are right... the only thing is... And forgive me I am 22 and new to this myself, no one in my family has gone through this either... however, Her Wali doesn't know him... and they haven't spoke or met before, he only knows him by the sister's classmate. So my concern is that the brother will feel awkward/ or "weirded out" by the phone call, and think her brother/or my friend is pushy. So that is why I am worried.

I sound stupid, sorry!:exhausted

[Salahudeen]

Salaam brother, I have no doubt that you and brother Hamza are right... the only thing is... And forgive me I am 22 and new to this myself, no one in my family has gone through this either... however, Her Wali doesn't know him... and they haven't spoke or met before, he only knows him by the sister's classmate. So my concern is that the brother will feel awkward/ or "weirded out" by the phone call, and think her brother/or my friend is pushy. So that is why I am worried.

I sound stupid, sorry!:exhausted

You don't sound stupid ;D I understand what you mean.

[flowergarden]

You don't sound stupid I understand what you mean.

It' tiring...:hmm:
InshAllah

[ardianto]

My question, when that brother has knows about your friend and knows your friend's feeling to him, then what ?.

Sis, "like" is not something than can be arranged or forced to someone. I am really sorry if I must tell, your friend must ready for the best or the worst possibility. I was familiar with experiences when girls had feeling to me. And I knew what they felt when they realized I couldn't response their feeling. That hurt them, but not for a long time. Then they could forget their feeling easily because feeling like that actually is not love, but only "attracted feeling".

But I hope my another experience can gives you an idea. My first relationship was happened with someone who I never meet and even I never saw before. I just heard about her from her male cousin who is my friend. He always 'promoted' his female cousin and that made me so curious and wanted to know her. So, like I wrote in my previous post, need someone who related to that brother to 'promote' your friend to him. Maybe that brother's aunty can be 'the messenger'.

I do not suggest your friend wali to approach him or his father and asks if that brother is looking for marriage because it will becomes something that look weird. Let 'the messenger' do this duty. And when that brother start to give a response, this is the time for your friend wali to do his duty.

But although your friend must ready for the worst possibility, she still has a hope. Tell her to always make du'a.

So my concern is that the brother will feel awkward/ or "weirded out" by the phone call, and think her brother/or my friend is pushy. So that is why I am worried.

Start with meeting, not phone call. But do this meeting after that brother gives a response, of course her mahram must present.

[flowergarden]

Thank you brother for the advice, this is such a sticky situation that I am so stressed... her family I guess isn't helping her either, so it is stess for me a lot.... So I appreicate all the advice that you brothers have told me.. It gives me an Idea to talk to her family about.
Jazak Allah Khair.

My question, when that brother has knows about your friend and knows your friend's feeling to him, then what ?.

Sis, "like" is not something than can be arranged or forced to someone. I am really sorry if I must tell, your friend must ready for the best or the worst possibility. I was familiar with experiences when girls had feeling to me. And I knew what they felt when they realized I couldn't response their feeling. That hurt them, but not for a long time. Then they could forget their feeling easily because feeling like that actually is not love, but only "attracted feeling".

But I hope my another experience can gives you an idea. My first relationship was happened with someone who I never meet and even I never saw before. I just heard about her from her male cousin who is my friend. He always 'promoted' his female cousin and that made me so curious and wanted to know her. So, like I wrote in my previous post, need someone who related to that brother to 'promote' your friend to him. Maybe that brother's aunty can be 'the messenger'.

I do not suggest your friend wali to approach him or his father and asks if that brother is looking for marriage because it will becomes something that look weird. Let 'the messenger' do this duty. And when that brother start to give a response, this is the time for your friend wali to do his duty.

But although your friend must ready for the worst possibility, she still has a hope. Tell her to always make du'a.

Quote Originally Posted by flowergarden View Post
So my concern is that the brother will feel awkward/ or "weirded out" by the phone call, and think her brother/or my friend is pushy. So that is why I am worried.
Start with meeting, not phone call. But do this meeting after that brother gives a response, of course her mahram must present.

[Hamza Asadullah]

Thank you brother for the advice, this is such a sticky situation that I am so stressed... her family I guess isn't helping her either, so it is stess for me a lot.... So I appreicate all the advice that you brothers have told me.. It gives me an Idea to talk to her family about.
Jazak Allah Khair.

Sister whatever is destined to happen will happen no matter what we do. But do not waste these precious days being stressed. Instead spend these last few days of Ramadan in prayer and devotion to worship.

For these are the days of mercy and forgiveness. These are the days of release from the Hell fire. These are the days where we can get an entire lifetime of sins forgiven. These are the days where we can gain over 83 years of reward. These are the days where we can gain closeness to Allah.

So waste it not for this situation is already destined so worry not. But worry that you are not making the best of these precious days and nights.That is what you should be concentrating on for now.