Keeping the past buried

[Alpha Dude]

:sl:

I know a marriage where a guy divorced his wife because she added a previous flame to her facebook :omg:.

I'd say that is a pretty understandable reason.

From here.

We all make mistakes. It's very easy for someone to fall into the trap of getting into a romantic relationship with someone prior to marriage. It may be the case that things start off innocently but slowly progress to something that wasn't intended.

However, once you've married and moved on with your life, the past should remain firmly in the past. Don't remain friends with any old flames/or people that you intended to marry, don't even leave open any form of contact. It's only asking for fitnah and trouble.

Some people have this mentality that even though they can't be together, they can still remain 'friends'. That is wrong on a number of levels. Least of which it being unfair on the husband/wife. Absolutely nothing good can come of it.

[Riana17]

Salam Alaikkum

I totally agree with this now that I am Muslimah (alhamdollelah) indeed I have a deep respect for my husband and I won't ever think to initiate a conversation with any men (PAST or FUTURE) unless its a pure business or my co-workers, I am even tough to men while talking to them and I avoid being sweet in person

It's pretty understandable for some to have such mentality about being friends with men, but that just open doors to troubles, I was raised liberated (west idea) and now I've been liberated by Islam, alhamdollelah


ISLAM is total guidance in this earth and in the hereafter, if we want a correct path, we must follow it

[SFatima]

:sl:



From here.

We all make mistakes. It's very easy for someone to fall into the trap of getting into a romantic relationship with someone prior to marriage. It may be the case that things start off innocently but slowly progress to something that wasn't intended.

However, once you've married and moved on with your life, the past should remain firmly in the past. Don't remain friends with any old flames/or people that you intended to marry, don't even leave open any form of contact. It's only asking for fitnah and trouble.

Some people have this mentality that even though they can't be together, they can still remain 'friends'. That is wrong on a number of levels. Least of which it being unfair on the husband/wife. Absolutely nothing good can come of it.

While I agree with you, but it seemed quite rude to me for some reasons, not because she had added the guy on her list,and he was married now too, but the fact that the woman's husband knew well before that she was a person of liberal views and he was quite conservative, he still went ahead with the marriage, it was what you call, a love marriage..She did not even cover herself like women are supposed to and had many male friends, before marriage and the husband knew that. I think she didn't suspect that if he knew all that about her so he would not try to change her values, but well he did and it didnt go well.

So, yes one must choose wisely and not fall for the obvious beauty of females, and later get irritated with their charm, the same charm that inspired them before and after marriage it becomes a nuinsance sadly...

[Salahudeen]

Today people call you extremist if you wanna be the only non mehram man in your wifes life :hmm:

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[gladTidings]

^ hey your not non-mahram if your married to her lol

[Salahudeen]

^ hey your not non-mahram if your married to her lol

;D you're right, my mistake.

[ardianto]

I still in friendship with a guy who I know since I was teenager. He works in other city, but sometime he visited my home. We could spent few hours for chat. I asked him many things, about his wife, his kid, his brothers, his sisters. But I never want to ask him about his female cousin.

The past had been buried. :)

[joyous fairy]

:sl:



From here.

We all make mistakes. It's very easy for someone to fall into the trap of getting into a romantic relationship with someone prior to marriage. It may be the case that things start off innocently but slowly progress to something that wasn't intended.

However, once you've married and moved on with your life, the past should remain firmly in the past. Don't remain friends with any old flames/or people that you intended to marry, don't even leave open any form of contact. It's only asking for fitnah and trouble.

Some people have this mentality that even though they can't be together, they can still remain 'friends'. That is wrong on a number of levels. Least of which it being unfair on the husband/wife. Absolutely nothing good can come of it.

How do you suggest people forget about the past. It can be especially hard for people who didnt have a very religious life before and had very friendly relationships with members of the opposite sex.

I used to be really good friends with guys in the past, not so much anymore, but if say I met them randomly, it would be really difficult for me to avoid them. It may sound/look rude and offend them even. I find it difficult to forget about people who I used to talk to on a daily basis. But Alhamdulillah I havent spoken to them in a few years.

Im not saying its ok, Im just saying it can be a struggle and we shouldnt expect people to switch off emotions just like that.

I worry about peoples feelings too much :(

[Alpha Dude]

Im not saying its ok, Im just saying it can be a struggle and we shouldnt expect people to switch off emotions just like that.

I did not say it was easy and nor do I expect people should be able to switch off like that. :)

We always have to struggle with ourselves and use our willpower to do what's right.

[Soulja Girl]

:sl:

Whilst we're on the subject, is it wise to tell your husband/wife to be ke you loved someone else before him/her? :hiding:

:wa:

[Alpha Dude]

Wa alaykum salam,

My opinion is that you shouldn't.

No need to bring out the L word. The words used in conversation have an affect on us and "love" is pretty powerful in the context you are talking about. It could stir the husband's/wife's heart negatively.

If you feel you must say something, you can say something like 'so and so proposed and we did intend to get married but it didn't work out'.

[Who Am I?]

:sl:

Whilst we're on the subject, is it wise to tell your husband/wife to be ke you loved someone else before him/her? :hiding:

:wa:

:sl:

I don't see a need for it. The past is the past. Let that sucker lie with the dogs on the floor.

[joyous fairy]

I did not say it was easy and nor do I expect people should be able to switch off like that. :)

We always have to struggle with ourselves and use our willpower to do what's right.

I know, but some people DO expect people to just forget about the past.

[Salahudeen]

How do you suggest people forget about the past. It can be especially hard for people who didnt have a very religious life before and had very friendly relationships with members of the opposite sex.

I used to be really good friends with guys in the past, not so much anymore, but if say I met them randomly, it would be really difficult for me to avoid them. It may sound/look rude and offend them even. I find it difficult to forget about people who I used to talk to on a daily basis. But Alhamdulillah I havent spoken to them in a few years.

Im not saying its ok, Im just saying it can be a struggle and we shouldnt expect people to switch off emotions just like that.

I worry about peoples feelings too much :(

It may sound rude and they may get offended but you are keeping your duty to Allah and your husband, they will not come on the day of judgement and say "oh this woman ignored me and we used to be good friends" because you're doing the right thing islamically, on the other hand if you do talk to them your husband might get evil thoughts such as "WTH was she the kinda girl who knew all the lads before I married her, does the whole town know her, I wonder how many other guys she knows, omg I wonder what she's been upto before I married her what if things happened with those guys" a man may start to think this and a woman may start to think it also if her husband bumps into random women that he knows and begins chatting with them, she may think "wth was my husband the kind of guy who womanised and had relationships before he married me"

[joyous fairy]

It may sound rude and they may get offended but you are keeping your duty to Allah and your husband, they will not come on the day of judgement and say "oh this woman ignored me and we used to be good friends" because you're doing the right thing islamically, on the other hand if you do talk to them your husband might get evil thoughts such as "WTH was she the kinda girl who knew all the lads before I married her, does the whole town know her, I wonder how many other guys she knows, omg I wonder what she's been upto before I married her what if things happened with those guys" a man may start to think this and a woman may start to think it also if her husband bumps into random women that he knows and begins chatting with them, she may think "wth was my husband the kind of guy who womanised and had relationships before he married me"

JazakAllah Khair, that makes a lot of sense.

I suppose it can be hard thinking about it before marriage. If/when I do get married I'll probably realise how certain things can affect our relationship.

[Who Am I?]

:sl:

If I got my feelings hurt because of women who ignore(d) me, I would have committed suicide long ago.

That's all I'm saying.

[Abz2000]

/\ lol you can lighten the mood can't you!

[ardianto]

I heard from a car mechanic, his wife told him in a quarrel "If I didn't marry you, now I have been a doctor's wife !".

I know, his wife ex-boyfriend now has becomes a doctor and rich, different than this car mechanic who is not rich. But talk like that the husband is really inappropriate. And who guarantees if she didn't marry this car mechanic she must be married that doctor ?. Might be she married a poor jobless guy.

[Who Am I?]

/\ lol you can lighten the mood can't you!

I try. It's what I do. I am life's jester. I try to make one person laugh per day.

[joyous fairy]

:sl:

If I got my feelings hurt because of women who ignore(d) me, I would have committed suicide long ago.

That's all I'm saying.

Walaikum Salam.

Lol, Maybe you should open up your emotions a bit more :P

But seriously if you had a good friendship with someone from the past, wouldnt you feel upset if they dissed you??

[Who Am I?]

Walaikum Salam.

Lol, Maybe you should open up your emotions a bit more :P

But seriously if you had a good friendship with someone from the past, wouldnt you feel upset if they dissed you??

:sl:

Eh, I used to be upset about it. I held a grudge for a long time with one of my old high school friends who betrayed me. But I got over it.

These days I don't care about a whole lot. I'm just along for the ride, and I try to make it as enjoyable as possible.

[Reflections]

No amount of regret can change the past and no amount of worry can change the future

[Alpha Dude]

In this day and age, with easy and discreet modes of communication, it can become dangerous for a person with (a) previous flame/s to fall into some kind of fitnah if a strong conscious effort is not made to avoid it.

For example, let's say a girl knows a guy and they plan to marry but it doesn't work out. The girl ends up marrying someone else a while later and all seems to be going smoothly for a couple of months or maybe a year or two.

Then suddenly the husband starts to 'change' and becomes neglectful of her and she doesn't feel so loved. Suppose she in that depressed state, receives an email or text or call out of the blue from her former flame asking how she was etc. It's possible that under such a circumstance, she could be tempted to converse with him more and more and soon enough, find that she enjoys this new found attention and rekindling of old feelings. It might not even get into proper zina but there is a huge possibility of an 'emotional affair' taking place.

Or imagine the case where it is the guy who has known someone and she one day sends him some message saying how her current husband is abusive and she's unhappy in her marriage and has nobody to turn to but him. Again, same kind of thing could happen as above.

Care really needs to be taken and vigilance maintained. Not just in the initial years of marriage but throughout.

[Salahudeen]

In this day and age, with easy and discreet modes of communication, it can become dangerous for a person with (a) previous flame/s to fall into some kind of fitnah if a strong conscious effort is not made to avoid it.

For example, let's say a girl knows a guy and they plan to marry but it doesn't work out. The girl ends up marrying someone else a while later and all seems to be going smoothly for a couple of months or maybe a year or two.

Then suddenly the husband starts to 'change' and becomes neglectful of her and she doesn't feel so loved. Suppose she in that depressed state, receives an email or text or call out of the blue from her former flame asking how she was etc. It's possible that under such a circumstance, she could be tempted to converse with him more and more and soon enough, find that she enjoys this new found attention and rekindling of old feelings. It might not even get into proper zina but there is a huge possibility of an 'emotional affair' taking place.

Or imagine the case where it is the guy who has known someone and she one day sends him some message saying how her current husband is abusive and she's unhappy in her marriage and has nobody to turn to but him. Again, same kind of thing could happen as above.

Care really needs to be taken and vigilance maintained. Not just in the initial years of marriage but throughout.

Soo true, some of us learn this the hard way sadly.