format_quote Originally Posted by
confusedsoul25
Thank you so much for that comprehensive advice
@
BeTheChange
! JazakAllah! May Allah bless you for this!
I know and I agree with all you said. All these concerns are the reasons why I haven't pulled the trigger, so to speak. However, on paper it would seem to you that this is a no brainer, there is an underlying sense of urgency which makes me keep rethinking this rishta.
I am 36 now. And my marriage is a daily worry for me. I feel like I would never find someone. With this girl, I felt I really liked her besides the concerns raised. I like her intellectual ability and her depth of conversations. Its this sense of potential losing her that keeps me thinking about saying yes.
Asalamualykum
Ultimately the decision is yours and yours alone but bear in mind you live with the consequences in this life and the next. Choose wisely. I know personally I would run away as fast as I could and cut all ties/contact if I was in your shoes based on what you have described. Thank Allah swt for her honesty as this is a blessing. Not everyone reveals their true colours before marriage. Usually you find out after.
Don't let your age clouden your judgement. Unfortunately being in your 30's and not being married is the norm especially in the West. Not that I'm encouraging this just commenting on social trends around me.
If you haven't already pray your isthikhara prayer and ask Allah swt to guide you to what is best for you in this world and the next Ameen. Seek the opinion of your family elders, siblings, close friends, local imaam etc.
Pre-Nikkah Must Ask Questions by sheikh Omar Baloch:
1. The in-laws: “The prophet (saw) kept Fatima and Ali away from himself and there is a lot of wisdom in that”
2. What are the boundaries of the opposite genders that you both are comfortable with?
3. Money: “It is the biggest reason why people get divorced” Are you going to have joint account? What are you expecting? Are going to have savings? Are you going to have a career? What is your money philosophy?
4. Intellectual wavelength: Emotionally are you at the same wavelength? Are you intellectually at the same wavelength?
5. Who is going to make the decisions? “Generally in the family”
6. Do you have health issues?
7. Do you expect your spouse to be dressed up for you? How often and when? “This is the sunnah of the prophet”
8. Are you willing to marry your potential spouse as they are now? Don’t expect your potential spouse to change.
9. Conflict resolution: How do tend to conflict? How do you handle your anger? Who will avoid conflict when there is a conflict? Who will explode and try to take control of the conflict when there is one? How do you respond to that?
10. Sex: “Believe it or not people will get divorced because of sex reasons too”
11. Exes: How will you deal with your exes if have been married? Do want the husband to deal with the ex-husband for example?
12. How will you grow spiritually? Is there some spiritual activity you would like to do together? Or do not want to do spiritual activities together? Would you like to read Qur’an together?
13. Anger issues: How often do you forgive? How often do you get angry? Can you control your anger? “Be honest about these issues”
14. Sleep association: What are your sleep association in terms of people being lazy?
15. Mediator: Are going to do counselling? If so how? “Decide now, so that you both understand no matter how bad it is we are going to go through this path” “If you think of divorce don’t say divorce say something like we need a mediator, don’t bring up divorce”
16. Are an in-door or out-door person?
17. How will you both deal with the kids? If you are already married how will you deal with the step-kids? What if they don’t like you?
18. What do you like to do for fun? What is your concept of fun? “You two have to be clear on that”
19. What are your assumptions about each other? What are the things I know for sure about this person? And what are the things I am assuming about this person? “And make this very clear”
20. What are your dreams? Where do see yourself a few years from now? Do want kids?
21. Why do you want to get married?
22. Do you have debt?
23. What makes you feel loved? “This is extremely important, because we can’t read each other’s minds”
24. Alone time: How much alone time do you need? “Alone time vs caring time/intimate time” How are you going to balance this?
25. What are my fears in the marriage?
26. What are your deal breakers?
“This is for couples who are married and for the people who are getting married. Allah swt says to Adam, O Adam live in Jannah with your wife. When you go eat together forget about your checklist of do’s. When you eat together throw that out. When you eat you can connect. It is very important for the children and the family when you eat together in peace. Talk about other things. Talk about things happening about in your life. Something that is outside of the world of chores”
Reference:
https://youtu.be/_864RTwl6dk