expatriate
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I apologize if this post illuminates my ignorance of Muslim faith and culture.
I am American woman, I met a Palestinian man on neutral soil (neither of our countries). We fell in love. He is back in his country now. He has asked me to marry him.
I am reading everything online that I can find about middle eastern and american relationships, interfaith relationships, international relationships, etc. There are horror stories and encouraging stories--but mostly it is Christian websites that discourage women from marrying outside the faith. I have very strong values I will not compromise on (integrity, honest, caring, kindness, human equality...) but I am not a strict Christian. Indeed, I fall more into the category of agnostic. He knows this. Culturally, I recognize that I am christian. My family is very devout Christian which I feel would benefit us as they would relate a lot with the Muslim faith. For me, marrying outside of the faith does not matter and I know my family would accept him and his faith.
He is Muslim and says he is not "really" religious--meaning laid back a little I guess. But he certainly believes the Muslim faith and cares about it's guidelines for living. In our relationship on mutually foreign soil, our differences were not a negative issue. I know that when we move to either his country or mine these differences will become very real. More importantly, when we have children I know this will matter in every way.
I was raised in a strict christian setting (very strict) and I do not like an extremely religious environment. I like a more moderate approach to religion outwardly--though I do care about spirituality inwardly. I respect spiritual principles and understand how important faith is to a person. I get it. This is why I am concerned. I understand how deep religion goes inside because of my own upbringing. I am concerned that our religious differences will be too difficult for HIM.
I love him and have fallen in love with him but I will not let my emotions make the most important decision of my life. I have never felt this strongly about anyone. I am seriously in love with him. I am 30 years old and I have never felt this before. I have never been treated with so much respect by a man in my entire life. I know in the United States many women think that Middle Eastern men don't respect women--but from my experience with this man--it is American men who don't respect women. He is such an awesome, friendly, outgoing and caring person.
I am asking him to be patient while we communicate long distance and get to know each other more and more and to ask the difficult questions. To see if we have enough in COMMON to have a happy marriage. To see if we can make a life plan about where we live, how we teach our children, how we respect each others different beliefs, and so on.
My questions for the forum are:
What kinds of questions should I be asking him?
What kinds of questions should he be asking me?
What are the chances that his family will accept me? Even if HE is okay with me--I do not want to marry a person who will be harming their family and isolated from their family because of marrying me. And I will not be decietful with his family about who I am and how we plan to raise our children. I will be polite but I think it is wrong to lie to them. I don't want to lie to them about how we would plan to raise the children. I don't want a marriage built on lies.
Is there space in the Muslim worldview for an inter-faith marriage? Meaning, the couple share religious backgrounds with each other and neither spouse changes their religion.
Is it possible to have "bicultural" children in the Muslim world view? Meaning, children raised understanding the values and cultures of both parents? In other words, the children would not be raised 100% Muslim with no other influences.
(This probably means that the children would be "Liberal Muslim" and less literal Muslim meaning looking at concepts more than literal interpretations. In Christianity, I was raised in a faith that was very orthodox and literal and I prefer a more values/concepts based interpretation of holy books. I recognize that this is potentially offensive to many (perhaps even the man I want to marry!). I have no problem with no pork, no alcohol, halal meats, and *fairly* modest dress. I have no problem learning about the Muslim faith, holy days, culture, foods, customs, etc. I do have a problem with no freemixing. In the United States this would be very difficult for me to abide by. I have many close appropriate male friendships and I believe that men and women can be appropriate friends. Because of my upbringing, I would be a more conservative parent than many Americans. For example, I would not let my daughter go on dates with boys alone. However, once she was 18 years old I would consider it her choice. I feel strongly that the way Muslim men respect women is something I want my daughter to understand. I would consider myself lucky to have this part of Islam in my life. I think if he is not a strict Muslim (which I realize may be an oxymoron to many of you) we can compromise on many things. I would not want alcohol, drugs, pornography, and things like that in the home ever. I would be very invested in teaching the children solid values--perhaps many of which come from Islam. I would WANT them to understand who they were and where their father came from. I would also want them to understand where their mother came from.)
Example of potential problem: If we have a daughter, can she marry a non-muslim man? Since I am American, it would be strange to me to put such a restriction on my child (because I am not Muslim). I get it if everyone is Muslim. But why would I tell my daughter she could not marry a man like my brothers?
How happy are Muslim people who live in the United States from what anyone has heard? (We have discussed moving there but I worry that he will not be happy in such a different environment.) What level of discrimination to people face?
I recognize that falling in love is transitory and that it is not a reason to marry. Even though I have never felt so strongly about anyone in my life I am prepared to walk away for the happiness of us both if necessary. Thank you so much for helping me to understand more about the Muslim faith and responding to me. I am doing a lot of internet research, but I feel that talking with real people is the most accurate way to get answers.
I am American woman, I met a Palestinian man on neutral soil (neither of our countries). We fell in love. He is back in his country now. He has asked me to marry him.
I am reading everything online that I can find about middle eastern and american relationships, interfaith relationships, international relationships, etc. There are horror stories and encouraging stories--but mostly it is Christian websites that discourage women from marrying outside the faith. I have very strong values I will not compromise on (integrity, honest, caring, kindness, human equality...) but I am not a strict Christian. Indeed, I fall more into the category of agnostic. He knows this. Culturally, I recognize that I am christian. My family is very devout Christian which I feel would benefit us as they would relate a lot with the Muslim faith. For me, marrying outside of the faith does not matter and I know my family would accept him and his faith.
He is Muslim and says he is not "really" religious--meaning laid back a little I guess. But he certainly believes the Muslim faith and cares about it's guidelines for living. In our relationship on mutually foreign soil, our differences were not a negative issue. I know that when we move to either his country or mine these differences will become very real. More importantly, when we have children I know this will matter in every way.
I was raised in a strict christian setting (very strict) and I do not like an extremely religious environment. I like a more moderate approach to religion outwardly--though I do care about spirituality inwardly. I respect spiritual principles and understand how important faith is to a person. I get it. This is why I am concerned. I understand how deep religion goes inside because of my own upbringing. I am concerned that our religious differences will be too difficult for HIM.
I love him and have fallen in love with him but I will not let my emotions make the most important decision of my life. I have never felt this strongly about anyone. I am seriously in love with him. I am 30 years old and I have never felt this before. I have never been treated with so much respect by a man in my entire life. I know in the United States many women think that Middle Eastern men don't respect women--but from my experience with this man--it is American men who don't respect women. He is such an awesome, friendly, outgoing and caring person.
I am asking him to be patient while we communicate long distance and get to know each other more and more and to ask the difficult questions. To see if we have enough in COMMON to have a happy marriage. To see if we can make a life plan about where we live, how we teach our children, how we respect each others different beliefs, and so on.
My questions for the forum are:
What kinds of questions should I be asking him?
What kinds of questions should he be asking me?
What are the chances that his family will accept me? Even if HE is okay with me--I do not want to marry a person who will be harming their family and isolated from their family because of marrying me. And I will not be decietful with his family about who I am and how we plan to raise our children. I will be polite but I think it is wrong to lie to them. I don't want to lie to them about how we would plan to raise the children. I don't want a marriage built on lies.
Is there space in the Muslim worldview for an inter-faith marriage? Meaning, the couple share religious backgrounds with each other and neither spouse changes their religion.
Is it possible to have "bicultural" children in the Muslim world view? Meaning, children raised understanding the values and cultures of both parents? In other words, the children would not be raised 100% Muslim with no other influences.
(This probably means that the children would be "Liberal Muslim" and less literal Muslim meaning looking at concepts more than literal interpretations. In Christianity, I was raised in a faith that was very orthodox and literal and I prefer a more values/concepts based interpretation of holy books. I recognize that this is potentially offensive to many (perhaps even the man I want to marry!). I have no problem with no pork, no alcohol, halal meats, and *fairly* modest dress. I have no problem learning about the Muslim faith, holy days, culture, foods, customs, etc. I do have a problem with no freemixing. In the United States this would be very difficult for me to abide by. I have many close appropriate male friendships and I believe that men and women can be appropriate friends. Because of my upbringing, I would be a more conservative parent than many Americans. For example, I would not let my daughter go on dates with boys alone. However, once she was 18 years old I would consider it her choice. I feel strongly that the way Muslim men respect women is something I want my daughter to understand. I would consider myself lucky to have this part of Islam in my life. I think if he is not a strict Muslim (which I realize may be an oxymoron to many of you) we can compromise on many things. I would not want alcohol, drugs, pornography, and things like that in the home ever. I would be very invested in teaching the children solid values--perhaps many of which come from Islam. I would WANT them to understand who they were and where their father came from. I would also want them to understand where their mother came from.)
Example of potential problem: If we have a daughter, can she marry a non-muslim man? Since I am American, it would be strange to me to put such a restriction on my child (because I am not Muslim). I get it if everyone is Muslim. But why would I tell my daughter she could not marry a man like my brothers?
How happy are Muslim people who live in the United States from what anyone has heard? (We have discussed moving there but I worry that he will not be happy in such a different environment.) What level of discrimination to people face?
I recognize that falling in love is transitory and that it is not a reason to marry. Even though I have never felt so strongly about anyone in my life I am prepared to walk away for the happiness of us both if necessary. Thank you so much for helping me to understand more about the Muslim faith and responding to me. I am doing a lot of internet research, but I feel that talking with real people is the most accurate way to get answers.
