How do you make an arranged marriage work?

[syilla]

:salamext:

I don't why... but all i can see that arranged marriage has alot of problem especially when the nikkah is in short time (not enough time to get to know each other), especially for those who is not done islamically but only because sticking to custom, and also for those who doesn't refer to their parents and family when things goes wrong.

so tell me...how do you avoid this kind of arranged marriage especially when resulted to the wife humilation, mistreated, abused and etc.

I'm not really used to this kind of custom...because arranged marriage in Malaysia is not something that you have to stick with it and it is not a tradition.

Please teach me.

Wassallam

 

[vlamrko]

i had heard some horror stories about arranged marriages going badly so for a time i had a pretty uneasy opinion about them, but the first arranged married couple i actually met had an excellent relationship which i found superior to most other married couples i know, christian, catholic, muslim, jew, etc, who were not obligated by arrangement. the husband, whom at the time was my employer, was a genuinely good muslim though, and i think that played a very large role, because he had stayed true to all of his customs in the meantime and therefore had no improper expectations of his wife when they eventually married. he explained to me that in both being patient, yet nervous for eachother for several years prior, they were able to begin their marriage on an entirely similar wavelength, whereby both of them were just as optimistic and somewhat scared as the other. this mutual understanding and common ground between them allowed them to take their time with eachother in getting to know one another at first, and eventually to love eachother like a married couple from there. he said for a time they were just polite to eachother, and asked eachother questions and became acquainted, and made themselves comfortable by largely incorporating their families into most of, if not all of their endeavors. they have since been married for five years and they have two children, their love for whom brings them even closer together in common effort and understanding. i think that the key is for both people involved to fully acknowledge that of course arranged marriage is bound to be somewhat awkward in the beginning, and if you both know and consider that, then you will not risk being inconsiderate of one another and it will be much easier for you to find somewhere to start from.

 

[Salahudeen]

hmmm do you mean arranged marriages or forced marriages? many people confuse the two.
As for arranged marriages I don't see anything wrong with them, like my mum's suggested a few girls to me but I told her we're not compatible so she just said "ok" and that was it.

Now she's started finding compatible girls for me and we go to their houses and I speak with the girl with her wali present then after numerous meetings with the wali present I come to a conclusion. this is how my marriage is going to be arranged, what could be wrong with it akhi, it's like your friends fixing you up with some 1 but instead it's your parents introducing you to a potential partner then you decide if they're suitable.

I don't mind arranged marriages where the choice lies with both individuals, but I mind forced marriages where the parents force the person to get married to a particular individual.

 

[S_87]

arranged marriage setting: the boys family and girls family meet. the boy and girl talk in some way, the boy agrees and proposes, the girl if she wishes accepts and then both place their trust in Allah. Although they dont know each other, they are both in agreement and they try.even love marriages fail after some time, even though the couple knew each other well before.

forced marriage setting: parents tell daughter/son they are marrying that person. whether they like it or not.

 

[Salahudeen]

Well the question arises, which 1 is more halal and which 1 is closer to the sunnah? is there any stories of the sahabba having love marriages where they got to know the girl for 2 years and then married her.

I'd go with the option that's more halal and closer to the sunnah.

 

[cat eyes]

arranged marriages are mean't to be double the blessing from Allah swt apparently. of course it will be uncomfortable in the start so i think attraction is important in this case or it might not be successful thats what i believe anyway. some parents find there child a spouse which is all very good and fine but the thing which annoys me is that half the time they do not even care about how much this potential is with her deen and the child follows whatever the mother wants without even thinking because her looks are pleasing to him. i think this is a worrying thing which must be addressed for our future generation. apart from that i have no problem with it

 

[h.shillingford]

Many people in Saudi practise a type of arranged marriage which is both Islamic and allows the couple to get to know each other. They do the milkah (nikkah) but do not consumate the marriage. A few weeks/months later, they do the zawaj (waleemah). The time in between the nikkah and waleemah gives the couple time to talk things over (without a wali or parent present for privacy's sake). If they realize that they are completely incompatible, this arrangement allows them to obtain a quick divorce without having engaged in any marital activities, making everything less complicated.

 

[Afifa]

I wont touch on how an arranged mariage is done as many above have explained. As to making an arranged marriage work its all about understanding and trust. Understanding each others feelings, thoughts, views etc. You're 2 different people and at the start you dont know much about each other but you put your trust in each other to make the marriage work. And as you get to know each other you become more comftable with each other and theres a mutual understanding between you both and that then creates love between both of you which all equals to a successfull marriage.

 

[Muslim Woman]

:wa:

:salamext:

... all i can see that arranged marriage has alot of problem

I guess , there is no arranged marriage in the west . Why so many couples are unhappy there ? I have seen many couples who got married after knowing each other for at least 4/5 years . Now after marriage , they fight like cat and dog .

The main point is we must fear Allah ; try to be patient and try to live by obeying Allah's commands . InshaAllah , there will be no problem in arranged marriage.

With this fear that people may suffer in arranged marriage , u must not give option for love marriage as this may lead in to zina . I heard few stories like that the girl became pregnant first , then she got married with the loved one ..Astagferullah.

 

[Najm]

arranged marriage setting: the boys family and girls family meet. the boy and girl talk in some way, the boy agrees and proposes, the girl if she wishes accepts and then both place their trust in Allah. Although they dont know each other, they are both in agreement and they try.even love marriages fail after some time, even though the couple knew each other well before.

forced marriage setting: parents tell daughter/son they are marrying that person. whether they like it or not.

AsSalamOAlaikum WaRehmatuAllah WaBarkatuhu

Placing trust in Allah is always sooo important!!! Also, with arranage marriages, people have to know what is the intention of both spouses i.e do it as a religious duty while others do it for the passport/money. And parents must understand to let the spouses have as many sittings as needed to get to know each other to a certain level i.e feel that they are compatible to each other.

Also its important that both spouses try to make the best of marriage from the start. They have to communicate and build the foundations properly.

Spouse should always fear Allah, and know each others rights and be able to fulfil them

FiAmaaniAllah

 

[syilla]

*bump... need more input InshaAllah

 

[Muslim Woman]

*bump... need more input InshaAllah

a good advice to all couples ; collected from Readers Digest


Advice to the Newly Married Couple


At my granddaughter's wedding, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married longest. It turned out to be my husband and I. The DJ asked us, "What advice would you give to the newly-married couple?"

I said, "The three most important words in a marriage are, 'You're probably right.'"

Everyone then looked at my husband. He said, "She's probably right."


PS. I suggest : don't say probably , say absolutely

 

[anonymous]

Many people in Saudi practise a type of arranged marriage which is both Islamic and allows the couple to get to know each other. They do the milkah (nikkah) but do not consumate the marriage. A few weeks/months later, they do the zawaj (waleemah). The time in between the nikkah and waleemah gives the couple time to talk things over (without a wali or parent present for privacy's sake). If they realize that they are completely incompatible, this arrangement allows them to obtain a quick divorce without having engaged in any marital activities, making everything less complicated.

h.shillingford

Please provide evidence from Quran and Sunnah of Prophet Muhammad (SAWS) that an arranged marriage the way the Saudi perform is Islamic.

Seeking the evidence on the following:

"They do the milkah (nikkah) but do not consumate the marriage. A few weeks/months later, they do the zawaj (waleemah). The time in between the nikkah and waleemah gives the couple time to talk things over (without a wali or parent present for privacy's sake). If they realize that they are completely incompatible, this arrangement allows them to obtain a quick divorce without having engaged in any marital activities"

Arranged marriages are only with the consent of the female.

Narrated Abu Huraira:

The Prophet said, "A matron should not be given in marriage except after consulting her; and a virgin should not be given in marriage except after her permission." The people asked, "O Allah's Apostle! How can we know her permission?" He said, "Her silence (indicates her permission)."
Sahih Bukhari Volume 7, Book 62, Number 67:

Narrated 'Aisha:
I said, "O Allah's Apostle! A virgin feels shy." He said, "Her consent is (expressed by) her silence."

Sahih Bukhari Volume 7, Book 62, Number 68:

Marriage invalid with consent of woman
Narrated Khansa bint Khidam Al-Ansariya:

that her father gave her in marriage when she was a matron and she disliked that marriage. So she went to Allah's Apostle and he declared that marriage invalid.
Sahih Bukhari Volume 7, Book 62, Number 69:

 

[Muslim Woman]

:wa:

... Please provide evidence from Quran and Sunnah of Prophet Muhammad (SAWS) that an arranged marriage the way the Saudi perform is Islamic.

...."They do the milkah (nikkah) but do not consumate the marriage.

after the nikkah , it's allowed for the couple to spend time together in private but it's not a must for them to consummate the marriage right at that moment.

But surely it's better if the couple spend time together to know each other with this intention that they will make marriage successful . It's not good to try to find faults . No one is perfect .

 

[heavenlyspot]

Within arranged marriages, the couple is permitted to learn about each other before signing the contract (through Islamic means). There's even no harm in getting your brother/father/muhram to ask people about his/her reputation amongst the Muslim community.

An arranged marriage doesn't always have to be through your parents as well. For instance, if you happen to spot someone who, in your mind, would make a good potential spouse, you can approach them with the intention of marriage, or inform your father/brother to contact them directly for you.

InshAllah Allah will help you, he knows best
:wa: