Love and Marriage in Islam

[Revert123]

Assalamu alaykum,

I have been trying to increase my knowledge about Islam and have been reading a lot on Islamic, forums etc. This has been my conclusion about love and marriage in Islam:

1. True love comes after marriage
2. You should have no contact with prospective spouse before marriage (and no relationship/friendship) outside of marriage.
3. If you are interested in marrying someone then you should send a guardian to arrange it.
4. If someone is in an marriage (like an arranged marriage or just a marriage where #2 happened- they didn't know the spouse before they got married) they should stay and have patience because love will come.

So my questions are as follows:
1. If true love come after marriage, how do you know it will? How do you know if the person you married is your true love? If the mindset is just have patience, love will come, then it doesn't matter who you marry all people are the same? Which doesn't make sense to me.
2. How do you know if you are compatible with the person before marriage? How do you know if you will fall in love with them if you don't know them.
3. What if you are a revert and are not connected with the Muslim community and have no guardian. How are you supposed to find a spouse then?
4. What if this isn't true and some people are just not made for each other? What if the person tried for years are they just supposed to keep having patience and give up their chance at love and happiness?

Thank you in advance! As you can tell I'm american and have strong ideals of love, true love, and soul mates and just trying to figure everything out!

 

[Search]

:bism: (In the Name of God, the Most Beneficent, the Most Merciful)

(Peace be upon you)

Assalamu alaykum,

I have been trying to increase my knowledge about Islam and have been reading a lot on Islamic, forums etc. This has been my conclusion about love and marriage in Islam:

1. True love comes after marriage
2. You should have no contact with prospective spouse before marriage (and no relationship/friendship) outside of marriage.
3. If you are interested in marrying someone then you should send a guardian to arrange it.
4. If someone is in an marriage (like an arranged marriage or just a marriage where #2 happened- they didn't know the spouse before they got married) they should stay and have patience because love will come.

So my questions are as follows:
1. If true love come after marriage, how do you know it will? How do you know if the person you married is your true love? If the mindset is just have patience, love will come, then it doesn't matter who you marry all people are the same? Which doesn't make sense to me.
2. How do you know if you are compatible with the person before marriage? How do you know if you will fall in love with them if you don't know them.
3. What if you are a revert and are not connected with the Muslim community and have no guardian. How are you supposed to find a spouse then?
4. What if this isn't true and some people are just not made for each other? What if the person tried for years are they just supposed to keep having patience and give up their chance at love and happiness?

Thank you in advance! As you can tell I'm american and have strong ideals of love, true love, and soul mates and just trying to figure everything out!

Basically, you've written a post that has been in some ways questions that have been in mind for some time as well. Like you, I have had strong notions of love, true love, and soulmates, though that's changed over the years. And yet I still can't seem to give that notion up entirely if that makes any sense.

1. So, first thing's first. True love does come after marriage in the sense that I believe that love is not simply about the za za zou that you get when you're around a person whose company you enjoy but it's about the day-to-day work you put into the relationship to have it succeed which comprises of compromises and willingness of give-and-take. If the relationship has two takers, it won't succeed. So, in that sense, yes, love does come after marriage. However, I don't think necessarily that means that love will definitely come out of marriage. I think things like compatibility and shared vision and attraction still matter. If they didn't, Islamically, we wouldn't have been encouraged to find spouses based on piety first and then looking at other things because Islam acknowledges that those other things matter as well.

2. Okay, so, I think you can know compatibility with a person before marriage in the way that you both discuss about what is important in a marriage, future goals, how you see yourself, etc. These things should be discussed absolutely before marriage so that there aren't any awful surprises about different expectations of what the future should look like; so, a shared vision is really important. You are definitely allowed to discuss any matter pertinent to you deciding whether you would be willing to spend the rest of your life with this person. Because marriage is a responsibility and it's scary especially knowing that many marriages don't work out. For example, I had talked to a man about 2 years ago who I definitely felt I could fall in love with after marriage; unfortunately, things didn't work out as Allah didn't will that we marry one another. But about knowing that I could fall in love? Yeah, I knew I could (if we'd become married). Come on, as women, we have great instincts as to whether our heart would possibly tip over to someone's side given the right circumstances.

3. I think your best bet will be to try out matrimonial Internet sites or apps especially as you're in the United States. A lot of born Muslims even have problems finding spouses; so, it's important to know that you're not alone and it can be tiring. I mean - so every now and then, I get so tired of the searching process that I'm tempted to entirely give up but what I instead end up doing is taking breaks to find my equilibrium again so that I have a healthy approach to the process. Some sites that I recommend which do not require payments and are free would be muzmatch app, Ishqr, singlemuslim.com; I have also heard of free apps Minder and Salam Swipe. Some paid sites are shaadi.com; and physical banquet type events for meeting Muslim singles include ISNA (upcoming banquets in Ohio on November 12th, 2016 and subsequently in California on December 17th, 2016), and APPNA YPN which also have banquets; however, these banquets as you may imagine are not free and require a fee for attendance, and you can ask the persons responsible for hosting the events as to the fee charges. You can also inform your local Imam and see if he knows of any single brothers in the community who would be willing to marry you; and request also to have the Imam act as your guardian when the time for marriage comes.

4. Islam recognizes the importance of love in a marriage; and I think the marriage of Prophet Muhammad :saws: to both Aisha :ra: and Khadeeja :ra: are testaments of love and loving. So, from what I understand, love is important in a marriage. However, that doesn't mean that you'll automatically end up in a happy marriage as sometimes in our destiny is written trials and marriage may be one of them. So, I highly recommend that before you marry someone, you pray the Istikhara prayer which Prophet :saws: taught us to do specific to matters of concern, and deciding whether to go through with a marriage with a prospective partner is definitely a decision in which we should consult Allah and that's exactly what Istikhara prayer enables you to do.

:wa: (And peace be upon you)

 

[islamirama]

:slm:

So my questions are as follows:

1. If true love come after marriage, how do you know it will? How do you know if the person you married is your true love? If the mindset is just have patience, love will come, then it doesn't matter who you marry all people are the same? Which doesn't make sense to me.

The love before marriage is a superficial love where both sides are trying to impress each other. Even before marraige the real love that comes between the couple is after months of intimate relationship, intimacy and co-habitation. You don't truly love each other while dating, it is an infatuation. It isn't until you truly start start building a deeper relationship with each other that real love starts emerge. The difference between that and marriage is that you hold up till after marriage to do all that stuff. There's nothing to sugar coat here, not all relationships roses. How many bf/gs that an average person have before they get serious? How many break ups before they find their true love? Going the marriage out, you already are going in with a mindset of a serious relationship and commitment and not playing around. So you already are weeding out all the players from the game. With the stage set like that, both sides should try to be honest and upfront of what type of a person they are and what type of a person they are looking for. And after doing your own homework on the other party by asking around in the community of his personality, habits , characters, etc. you put your trust in Allah and make the commitment. What happens after marriage is up to the individuals. How true their love comes depends on how much they put into it. Love won't come out of thin air, there is no cupid shooting arrows. Love grows from what you do for each other and how you treat each other. So that does mean every single person getting married will find true love? of course not, just like dating relationships, for some the first marriage may not be the one. But that is only after they have both done their part in making it work. But if one or both sides don't care then it doesn't matter if it's a marriage or any other relationship, it will fall apart.

2. How do you know if you are compatible with the person before marriage? How do you know if you will fall in love with them if you don't know them.

This is where that background check comes in. It's not that you are not allowed to meet the prospect party but how you meat him. Having a chaperone with you so everything stays civil and pure is the key. In that interaction you are not trying to impress each other, you are doing informal interview of each other, measuring them up based on your criteria of what you are looking in your future partner. Your meetings are to see if you have potential for chemistry, if you have similarity and if there is positive likeness towards them. And then you go around in the community to verify their character, their goods and bads and see if they check out.

You do not know 100% you will fall in love with them. The Prophet :saws1: said to go look at a person before you marry so there is physical attraction. If you don't even like looking at the person then how do you expect to marry them? Even when you date, what do you do? Go check out the other person, see if they are pleasing to your eyes. You then engage in a conversation and take it from there. This is no different, except you engage on a more serious note, being keen observant on everything they do or say. You are seeing what you like or dislike based on your interaction. And even after you have married, you don't have to jump in bed right away. Many use the first month or so as a dating phase to slowly get to know each other. Whatever floats your boat after the nikkah is up to you.

3. What if you are a revert and are not connected with the Muslim community and have no guardian. How are you supposed to find a spouse then?

Well then you go connect with the community. The best way is to find out any islamic classes being taught at the masjid, go to friday's halaqas (study circles) and islamic events in the community. Talk to the sisters there and make friends. They will be your connects and eyes and ears to the community. Go talk to the imam, he will act as your guardian, ask him to find someone suitable for you. Ask his wife's contact information and make friends with her. She will get to know you and better able to tell the her husband if someone is suitable for you or not when he thinks of someone. That would be the traditional route.

The more "uptodate" route these days is online. The success of it does vary as does the quality. You are still better of finding someone through connections if you can build those. Otherwise, there are online apps and sites that you can register at. While some sites may be free for the females, they are not free for the males. There is also potential of other side just there for fun and play around or just there window shopping. There is no one sure way to find someone for yourself. You just have to use the resources available to you while using common sense in dealing with it.

4. What if this isn't true and some people are just not made for each other? What if the person tried for years are they just supposed to keep having patience and give up their chance at love and happiness?

Not every marriage lasts forever or is full of bliss and happiness. For some it's better to part ways then keep hurting each other. That is the reality of relationships, marriage or otherwise. So longs both sides gave each other their rights, sought marriage counseling, and did their best and put in their best then that is all Allah asks. If it still doesn't work out then it doesn't work out. You part amicably and go find someone who will be more compatible.

 

[Delete.]

1. If true love come after marriage, how do you know it will? How do you know if the person you married is your true love? If the mindset is just have patience, love will come, then it doesn't matter who you marry all people are the same? Which doesn't make sense to me.

Umar ibn Al Khattab (may Allah be pleased with him) said to a man who was thinking of divorcing his wife: "Why do you want to divorce her?" He said, "I do not love her." 'Umar said, "Must every house be built on love? What about loyalty and appreciation?"

(Al-Bayan wa at-Tabayeen, 2/101; Fara'id al-Kalam, p.113)

It does matter who we marry. We choose a man for our husband based on his righteousness and character.

2. How do you know if you are compatible with the person before marriage? How do you know if you will fall in love with them if you don't know them.

The Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings be upon him) said, "If someone with whose piety and character you are satisfied with comes to you, marry him. If you do not do so, there will be trials (fitna) in the earth and a great deal of evil (fasad)." (At-Tirmidhi, Hasan)

You will know you are compatible if you are pleased with his Deen, and he is pleased with yours.

3. What if you are a revert and are not connected with the Muslim community and have no guardian. How are you supposed to find a spouse then?

Connect with the sisters in your community, in sha Allah, and don't be shy. It is important to form a bond with them, your Ummah is your family and you have an obligation towards them, and we have an obligation towards you. The sisters will help you find someone, in sha Allah. And most importantly, put your trust in Allah that He will find you a husband by Halal means. Never think you have to resort to doing something Haram (talking with non-Mehram men) in order to achieve what is Halal.

4. What if this isn't true and some people are just not made for each other? What if the person tried for years are they just supposed to keep having patience and give up their chance at love and happiness?

The Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings be upon him) said, "Whoever gives for the sake of Allah, withholds for the sake of Allah, loves for the sake of Allah, hates for the sake of Allah, and marries for the sake of Allah, he has indeed perfected his faith." (Jami at-Tirmidhi, Hasan)

True love is love for the sake of Allah. There is no other love that is true except that which is for the pleasure of Allah. If your marriage is based upon pleasing Allah, you will surely have love and happiness within it.

Allah knows best.